Dr. Phil is a Joke Blog

CNN’s Larry King said he would continue his series on polygamy, saying that he was uniquely qualified to discuss people who had more than five wives.

The Democratic race for President has descended to “a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics,” the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.

The Swift Boat group, which became famous in 2004 for attacking Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, said that they were speaking out because “the current Democratic contest is giving swiftboating a bad name.”

“We have increasingly heard pundits accusing Clinton and Obama of swiftboating each other,” said Swift Boat Veteran Tracy Klugian. “This hurts the reputation of swiftboating.”

Mr. Klugian was quick to draw a distinction between what Sens. Clinton and Obama are doing and swiftboating, which he called “a noble profession.”

“When you try to destroy a member of another party, that’s swiftboating,” said Mr. Klugian. “When you do it to a member of your own party, that’s cannibalism.”

He said that the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth would soon air ads attacking both Democratic candidates for sullying the reputation of swiftboating.

“Tear each other up if you want to, but don’t take swiftboating down with you,” he said. “That’s just unfair.”

The Swift Boat Veterans’ statement came on the heels of a similar statement by the Weather Underground, a ‘60’s radical group that has been tied to both the Obama and Clinton camps over the past week.

“We denounce and reject both candidates,” said the Weather Underground, who has seen its approval ratings plummet in recent days.

"She took my advice and look at the results",

crowed Dr. Phil

IS SHE REALLY BRITNEY'S GRANDMOTHER?

SINCE I CAN'T SHRINK BRITNEY'S HEAD,

I'D LIKE TO GET INTO THIS ONE.

All dressed up and no place to go

Wow.  Caroline Kennedy and Ted and now this in addition to Oprah.  Hello White House.

ABC News' Rick Klein Reports: Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison -- who famously declared Bill Clinton to be the nation's "first black president" -- is endorsing Barack Obama for president today, an Obama campaign source tells ABC News.

This comes as Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., also announces his support for Obama on Monday, at a rally in Washington.

In an October 1998 essay in The New Yorker, Morrison wrote: "Years ago, in the middle of the Whitewater investigation, one heard the first murmurs: white skin notwithstanding, this is our first black president. Blacker than any actual person who could ever be elected in our children's lifetime."

The Morrison endorsement is expected to come via letter from Morrison to Obama that the campaign is releasing later today.

Veterinarian to be specific.  Seriously, can Botox actually do this or are there an array of sneaky lying stunt doubles?

No way in hell that one drug can do THAT

BILL CLINTON'S TEMPER NEGATIVELY AFFECTS HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN

By DICK MORRIS & EILEEN MCGANN

Published on FoxNews.com on January 25, 2008.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen it all before.

That picture of the seething, red-faced former president of the United States shaking his

finger at members of the press who dare to question his wife’s slimy campaign tactics, is all

too familiar to those who have worked closely with him in the past.

Like Janus, the two-faced Roman god, there are always been two distinct personalities in Bill Clinton.

That charming, smiling gentleman seen in public is too often eclipsed in private by his negative twin

evidenced in the eruption of a furious, unexpected, and uncontrollable rage, often accompanied by loud cursing and occasionally, even physical violence. It’s not a pretty picture.

I’ve been at the other end of that anger too many times and I was always amazed at the suddenness

and intensity of his fury.

Early one Sunday morning, he woke me up at my Connecticut home screaming into the phone, “have you seen the Washington Post?” Blearily, I said no that I wasn’t in Washington (it was in the pre-Internet days). Apparently, the paper’s lead article had our poll and focus group questions about his character and image.

“Who did you tell?” “Who did you tell?” he shrieked. I assured him that I never spoke to the press.

“Well, who DID you speak to?” he screeched.

“I only spoke to George [Stephanopopous] and Rahm [Emmanuel],” (his two closest aides).

That set him off even more. He yelled even louder: “You ONLY told George and Rahm! You ONLY told George and Rahm! Why didn’t you just send out a f-ing press release. Don’t you understand that you can’t tell those two anything that you don’t want to see on the front page of the Washington Post? They leak everything!

He kept screaming about how he couldn’t keep anything confidential because everyone who worked for him leaked. Then he slammed the phone down.

I was shaken.

The phone conversation recalled an even more difficult encounter with his temper.

Many years earlier, in 1990, he seriously overstepped his boundaries with me

 during one of his blind rages and permanently changed our relationship.

It was during his last gubernatorial race and he was falling behind in the polls. 

When we met at the governor’s mansion, it was close to midnight. Hillary and Gloria Cabe,

 his campaign manager at the time, were at the meeting with Bill and me. I had left 

Connecticut after oral surgery that morning to arrive in time for a 6 p.m. meeting. 

My mouth was killing me, but I avoided taking any pain killers to be alert for the 

strategy session. The meeting was changed several times because Bill had decided to 

do the Nightline Show. He finally arrived back to the mansion in a foul mood. Even 

though he was a teetotaler, I wondered if he had been drinking.

When he learned of his decline in the polls, he immediately blamed me, accusing me 

of spending too much time with other clients. Yelling and screaming, he escalated his 

charges, refusing to listen to me tell him that his latest ad had not been on 

television yet when the poll was completed. He kept ranting.

Finally, I had enough. I stood up and said I was leaving, quitting the campaign. 

I grabbed my coat and headed out of the mansion. As I crossed the foyer, 

I suddenly fell to the ground, tackled by Bill Clinton. I saw his large fist 

coming at me. Hillary was trying to get between us, yelling “Bill, Bill, stop it. 

Think about what you are doing. Bill, stop it!”

Bill got up and I walked out the door. Hillary ran after me. She tried to calm me 

and asked me to walk around the grounds of the Mansion with her. “He only does 

this to people he loves,” she told me. (I’ll leave that one for the psychologists.)

Oklahoma Sucks and Oklahomans are Stupid

 

      A couple of weeks ago, J. Matt made a list of the 10 lamest states  in our great Republic.  Topping the list was Missouri, which I drove through once.  Since I didn't even stop to pee on my way through, I have no way of knowing how bad Missouri actually is, so I'm willing to take J. Matt's word that it sucks.  Where I take issue is with the ranking of the state of Oklahoma at number 4.  J. Matt has never been to Oklahoma, so he placed it #4 because he couldn't think of a reason to go there.   Fortunately, I'm here to set the record straight.  I have been to Oklahoma, and nothing could be worse.   Oklahoma is unquestionably, by far the worst of the 50 states.

      Its no coincidence that of all the 48 contiguous United States, Oklahoma was the one we shunted the Indians into.  Here was a land so foul, useless and disgusting that it was fit only for savages.  I would hate the white man too if I had to live in that shithole.  Oklahoma was the scene of the last great land rush in the U.S. at the end of the 19th century.   Meaning that we only bothered to stop and settle in Oklahoma after every decent place in the country had been filled up.

      The main problem with Oklahoma is that everything in the entire state is dirty.  Everything.  The houses are dirty, the stores are dirty, the public places are dirty, and the people are dirty.  The dirt is everywhere on everything.  Most of the state is given over to dirt.  The rest seems to be devoted to cattle ranching, oil drilling, or Fort Sill, the U.S. Army Field Artillery Center.  Why build a massive artillery range in Oklahoma?  Because there is absolutely no danger of hitting anything of value.  My Dad was at Fort Sill when he was in the Army back in the 70s, and the only story I can remember him telling about it was that he and every other guy in his unit went out for a weekend pass and came back with the clap.  So the women in Oklahoma are especially dirty.  They also play a dirty trick with the beer there.  Beer in Oklahoma is 3.2% alcohol by volume, as opposed to 5% in the rest of the country.  So you can't even have a decent drink to make the fact that you're stuck in the ass-crack of the country any more bearable.

      Some may claim the Oklahoma has some great sports programs at its two major universities.  Aside from the fact that Barry Sanders once graced the abominable toilet with his awesomeness, I have to disagree.  Aside from being the breeding ground for big, no-talent NBA ass-clowns like Brian Reeves and Eduardo Najera, the state is also home to the University of Oklahoma's vastly overrated football program, which couldn't even beat K-State to win the title of its overrated conference.  Then they gave Jason White a Heisman trophy.  Years from now, people will say, "Who the fuck is Jason White?"  while Larry Fitzgerald and Eli Manning are big-ass stars in the NFL.

      All that is horrible about Oklahoma can be encapsulated in one experience.  When I was younger, my Dad, my Brother and I took a long road trip out to Colorado.  We took our time, stopping and camping, viewing various attractions along the way.  In Oklahoma we stopped to spend the night at Lake Thunderbird State Park.  Lake Thunderbird proved to be a giant man-made mud puddle in the middle of the Great Plains.  The "beaches" were basically just barren strips of red Oklahoma dust that ran down to the red, muddy water of the lake.  It must have been a Friday or Saturday evening, because the place was full of dirty, sweaty, stringy little mullet sporting Okies in tank tops and mesh baseball caps and their flabby, slatternly wives and girlfriends trying to get wasted on near-beer.  The women were almost all grotesquely fat, with pounds of flab attempting to burst out of their halter-tops and stirrup pants.  Their innumerable hordes of half naked children were running barefoot through the dust, knocking over piles of spent beer cans and miraculously not cutting their feet on the shattered beer bottles that littered the beach.  They were running in and out of the water, rolling around in the dust so that each child was covered with a fine film of dirt.  What made it worse was that there were a bunch of rednecks with powerboats out on the lake, whose idea of a good time was to bring the boats in as close to shore as possible while hooting and shouting obscenities.  This put an oily slick down on the top of the water as well as sending churning, viscous waves in to the shore, which the little Okies frolicked in, emerging from the water in a glistening coat of oily mud.  It was the ugliest place I've ever been in my life.